The 7 Different Types of Gai-jin Males in J-land


1. The Fat Ass- This breed is shocking in its regularity and a truly repulsive sight in this nation of the slim and trim. To their bovine credit however they don’t seem the least bit aware or concerned about their vomit inducing presence as they obliviously waddle through the crowded streets making everything infinitely more crowded. Do fat asses own mirrors? I have to remember to ask the next one I spot grazing at McDonalds.

2. The Wimpish Nerd in Heaven-　This version may be best remembered from high school gym class where they were the softest target for abuse and often sported a wedgie. Having miraculously escaped the clutches of adolescence and compulsive masturbation they’ve somehow managed the fortitude to emigrate to a land where they are not only not a subject of feminine ridicule but, incredibly, are a coveted “catch” for many self respecting (and hot!) J-girls. To their rapturous gratitude they’ve discovered that almost any Gai-jin represents big dicked romance with an exotic round eye to most J-girls who are apparently genetically incapable of distinguishing the lame from the cool in the foreign male or at least blinded by the possibility of the holy grail- a brand spanking new visa. This usually pencil necked, pipe cleaner armed geek after finally, finally, finally surrendering his loathsome virginity to a real live female can be easily spotted by the nervous (for he knows his charade may be discovered at any moment) look in his eye and the deliriously grateful smile on his pale face.

3. The Hippie- This walking cartoon can provide minutes of amusement and amazement as you watch and wonder why he didn’t get the memo that THE FUCKING SIXTIES ENDED FOUR DECADES AGO! Young and old alike are often tie-dyed (seriously) and pony-tailed and these disgusting specimens just as often inflict their hairy legs and nasty feet on the world at large by sporting khaki jungle shorts and worn Birkenstocks. They usually, though not always, wear glasses and are most likely hygienically challenged. Docility may be their only attractive feature but given marijuana they will become especially and sickeningly loving. A shower, haircut and adult clothing would probably make a very positive impact but they seem to be unwilling or just stupidly unable to adjust their stoned outlook to the real world. Luckily for the rest of us, they are completely unable to breed with anything resembling an attractive female.

4. Baldy Sour- Hey horseshoe hair! Shave it off pal, you’re not fooling anyone. And I mean anyone.

5. The Combination- Yes, there exists a creature that improbably combines all the above characteristics into one giant ridiculous package. A profound disgrace to one and all.

6. The Shrimp- This type is so physically tiny that they appear to be almost deformed. Surprisingly they are uniformly proportioned and often attractive but tragically are approximately three sizes smaller than the average man. We’re talking Michael J. Fox’s little brother here. So miniscule is this breed that they have to remain in Japan for the remainder of their lives so that they can have a chance, a hope, a dream to feel at least somewhat normal in stature. In their undying favor they often have itty bitty teeny tiny (but sexy) girlfriends who fit them just fine.

7. The Misfit- This exile is welcomed nowhere (but here) and wanted by none. Aggressively lacking the basic human skill to fit himself properly into any decent society back home and too old, ornery or sociopathic to learn he has to remain an ex-pat until he is driven from the Earth. What can I say, we all have our little problems.


The 2 different types of Gai-jin Females in J-land

1. Lesbian- Always travel in pairs.
2. Prostitute- Nocturnal creature rarely seen during the day but can be easily spotted by their unnaturally bright blonde hair often accompanied by dark streaks of black.

Trust me, that’s it.